I wish I could put into (only) a few words what has gone on over the past many months, but I can't -- however, I have learned that society as a whole has no clue on how to deal with grief -- within six months, you're supposed to be 'all better' and ready to move on...sad, considering death is a part of life just as birth is...

Am I okay? nooooo -- the 'okay' I once knew just as the person I once was has ceased to exist -- I’m now like a baby learning to walk, as I try to re-define my life and who I am....however, I can say I am 'better' than I was several months ago...the holiday season was not easy as it was the first one, and I had diagnosis (not one, but two) anniversaries to deal with, which can be as emotional as birthdays or other days....

some things that were important to me are not now (oh, how I long for the days when my only concern was losing 40 pounds!!) and I let those who are important to me know how I feel....

sometimes this whole thing still feels unreal -- part of me (but it's getting smaller) is still waiting for someone to yell 'cut - I don’t like the way this scene is going--let's re-do it' or to wake up (like in Dallas) only to find it was a dream.....I read the books I have on loosing a child and the stages of grief and still can't believe it's ME I’m reading about....

since you are all in my life (and were there with me during my daughter's illness and passing), as I make this journey to re-define me, I ask that you please be patient with me...my life is now what I consider the 'recovery cha cha cha' -- two steps forward, one step back, ten steps forward, twenty steps back...I have some guidance with my support group, but it's still a dark tunnel, and I ask that you remember the following when I don’t seem to be my old self --

1) remember the me that once was is no more -- not easy to digest since I was so outgoing....at times, there will be the old me coming thru -- not everything about me has changed, but a lot has....I still laugh when something's funny, but please don't think that means I’m 'all better'

2)I will NEVER be totally 'all better', but that does not mean I’m a time bomb waiting to explode...I will have my good and bad days -- but just because I’m having a bad day does not mean its due to daughter-loss...but if I am, I am entitled, so please do not tell me I need to 'move on' and 'she would want that' (her life theme song was 'it's all about me' remember? she'd want me to think of her continually........)

3) but, that does not mean you should not ask me how I’m doing or be afraid to mention my daughter’s name or speak of her....the last thing you have to be afraid of is reminding me that she is no longer here....the worse feeling someone can have in my position is to think that people have forgotten your child like she did not exist....

4) Grief is EXHAUSTING -- emotionally, physically and mentally....if I don’t call or don't have much to say when you call me, it's because I’m exhausted....right now, I think I’m going thru the phase called 'rejuvenation' when all you want to do is sleep because your body has been thru so much –I sleep so much now, I thought I was going thru another depression phase.

5) Yes, I said another depression phase --went thru one from October thru the end of December.... I’ve learned why people turn to drugs or alcohol to block out something if just for a little while...I’ve also learned what makes people suicidal -- when things look so bleak that they feel that's the only option -- okay, okay, before you all go running to your phones to call me, I’m fine ---I said I understood, not that I was on that road.... at my lowest, I kept telling myself things had to get better, cuz I refused to feel like this for the next 40 years of my life.... and regarding the alcohol and drugs, you guys know I am too much of a control freak to fall into that trap.....

In a nutshell, my life is like a shattered glass that I’m trying to put back together again, but one of the largest pieces - my daughter - is missing.... I keep a piece of mosaic on my prayer altar to remind me that broken glass, when put back together properly, can be beautiful.....

posted by hobbit at 1:42 PM